Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…