Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Basically.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.