Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
You Might Also Like
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Camping tip: No.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.