An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Customize Your Wedding.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Breaking news:
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-