Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.