Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.