7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on