MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You Might Also Like
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
new career option?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Don’t tell me what to do
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”