Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Y’all know who you are.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.