My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant