My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.