Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it