[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
dam girl
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
and this one
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal