You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?