I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”