do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
You Might Also Like
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me