Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.