every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“That’s what” – She
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!