oh you like architecture? name three walls
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want