The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts