Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give βsittingβ a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down π
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. Weβre good but we havenβt got a gig yet.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that βnight of the unreadβ
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Donβt do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: [my mouth full] I didnβt know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we donβt
My wifeβs favorite position is where Iβm bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because iβm selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I donβt want to talk to. Itβs not like I can say βSorry mom I was at the movies.β
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
COP: you canβt hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[on knees]
βOh God… please make this hangover go away.β
[from heavens]
βDue to the Saint Patrickβs Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.β
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. Howβs my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* Whatβs with the lab coat?
At least the self-checkout doesnβt ask me what Iβm making for dinner with these items or when Iβm going to call my mother.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what iβm thinking
ME: *smiling* letβs say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does βOpenβ start with a closed circle and βClosedβ start with an open cirrrice cream
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?