[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Somebody call the cops.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.