Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.