Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.