6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie