*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”