I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
describing stardew valley
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: