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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”