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I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
good work, detective
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“No way.” -Jose
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought