If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Oh my god
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
that colleague who touches your screen
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.