Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
the icebreaker
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
This is hilarious….
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door