Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
You Might Also Like
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Meme Monday.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist