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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod