You Might Also Like
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice