If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
☠️☠️☠️
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
reminder
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing