My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.