Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Does beer think about me too?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.