Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶