[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
you will never know the true number of layers
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“OMGJK” -atheists
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?