<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
You Might Also Like
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me trying to reach for my goals
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?