I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
accurate
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
A classic…
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics