Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12