Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
You Might Also Like
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation