bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
SCARY COSTUME
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.