If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*