My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
hi why am I like this
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
water it, i dare you
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Herpes is trending, good job people
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)