[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals