Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My new favorite headline
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.