🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING