Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
me and the Superbowl rn
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.